Dealing with Conflict: The Process of Mattering and the Mattering of the Process

By Isaac and Ora Prilleltensky

Intimate and distant, harmonious and conflictive, empathic and aggressive, constructive and destructive. Most relationships go through these polar moments from time to time. What can we do to nurture positive and manage negative experiences?

As we witness conflict in families, work, and society, we paused to reflect on how we, who have been together for over forty years, managed our own marital and occupational conflicts. Pretty quickly, we realized that the process of building the positive and managing the negative is absolutely crucial.

Preventing Conflict and Promoting Harmony

Conflict is inevitable, but there are things we can do lessen its frequency and impact. The wide spectrum of actions we can take to prevent conflict fall into two main categories: making the other person feel valued and sharing with them how they add value. In short, we need to tell them that they matter.  

          There are many ways to make other people feel like they matter. These include:

·       Commenting on their efforts to make family or work better

·       Recognizing contributions to a project

·       Expressing appreciation through non-verbal means, such as a hug or holding hands or a pat on the back, depending on the closeness of the bond

·       Listening non-judgmentally

·       Showing interest in the person’s work, passions, struggles

·       Spending time with them

·       Expressing gratitude

·       Celebrating their accomplishments

·       Remembering their birthdays

·       Giving specific feedback about how they enrich your life or the life of the community

·       Noticing virtuous behavior

·       Helping them achieve their goals

·       Supporting their dreams

·       Showing empathy when they struggle

·       Balance your agenda with theirs

·       Noticing what is unique and special about them

These are some of the many deliberate efforts we can take to make our spouses, children, colleagues and neighbors feel valued and help them add value. We should never assume that “love conquers all” and therefore we don’t need to engage in these behaviors. You may think that saying “I love you” is enough, but it is not. Details matter. Be specific and do this often. Reflect, respond, repeat.

          The more we cultivate the positive in our relationships, the higher the chances that conflict will be more infrequent and easier to handle. This is because the more we invest caring capital in the relationship, the more we can draw on it in times of distress. If the caring account is empty, there is nothing to buffer animosity.

Managing Conflict

          Regardless of how much caring capital you have accumulated, there will be times when conflict will emerge. When that happens, many people commit predictable mistakes:

·       They repeat why they are right, and the other person is wrong

·       They point out many faults in the other party

·       They put each other down

·       They bring up dirt and unfinished business from the past

·       They conduct character assassination

·       They blame the other party for everything but the kitchen sink

·       They withdraw and sulk

·       They show contempt for the other person

·       They stonewall

These strategies fail because they exacerbate the conflict. The add fuel to the fire. These failed attempts completely ignore the process. When tempers are flaring, the best thing to do is to lower the temperature. This may be accomplished by some of the following actions:

·       Owning up: upon reflection, you may wish to say that you are sorry that you were inattentive, insensitive, or offensive to the other person.

·       Acknowledging pain: even though you are in the middle of a heated argument, it helps to acknowledge that you and the other person are hurting right now, and that you are sorry that this is happening.

·       Expressing grievance in constructive ways: repressing grievances is a recipe for future volcanic eruptions, but so is uninhibited anger. You may be very upset at the other person for engaging in repeated offensive or annoying behaviors. You may have a very valid complaint but canceling the other person and painting them as evil will only make a bad situation worse. It is best to “edit” your anger and try to express it in non-totalizing ways. Try to be specific and use “I statements.” Refrain from statements such “you always _____, and you never _____.” Instead, try saying: “When _____ happens, I feel ______, and I wish that _______.”

·       Acknowledging their dignity: we know it’s difficult to remember the positive attributes of the other person while you are in the middle of a fight, but doing so will show humanity and respect for the dignity of the other party.

The goal of these strategies is to keep the process of conflict resolution alive. To be able to listen to each other’s grievances, we have to be able to regulate our emotional responses and monitor our behavior while in conflict. Although this is a skill that is hard to acquire, it is worth rehearsing it. Try to anticipate how you might react to an argument and imagine yourself pressing the “pause” button and lowering the volume. Reflect, rehearse, repeat.

          Remember, a good process is a good outcome. This is not an oxymoron. A good process upholds the dignity of both parties in the conflict, and that is a great outcome. Once our dignity is restored, we are better able to engage in constructive action. We should always make others feel valued and help them add value, even in the midst of conflicts.

          Of course, there are conflicts that are warranted. When fundamental values are violated, or when one party consciously diminishes the other, there is room for confrontation. But often people confuse their allies for their enemies, and engage in battle when conflict resolution is called for. This is a grave error, for instead of forging coalitions with potential partners, the misguided party engages in ruinous and divisive demeanor. To them, we say, reflect, recalculate, repeat.

About the Authors

Drs. Isaac and Ora Prilleltensky are the co-authors of several books, including How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021).