You know what you can do with your feedback?

By Ora and Isaac Prilleltensky

Let’s face it, feedback, even if it’s dipped in chocolate, and presented with a bouquet of flowers, is hard to get. Criticism is something that we simply don’t enjoy. Nevertheless, some of the most significant messages are those that are most difficult to give and receive. Even if you steer clear of the word “criticism” altogether, you may not be able to completely avoid an unpleasant aftertaste. But failure to address problems or discuss sensitive issues has repercussions. For one, it’s difficult to come up with optimal solutions without naming and exploring a problem. An unaddressed issue can also fester and “spill out” in a relationship-damaging manner. Just as important, feedback and conflict can be opportunities for individual and relational growth.

It helps to keep in mind that people respond to social threat much the same as to physical threat. Since we are wired to connect and cooperate, messages that signal acceptance and approval are reinforcing, whereas those that convey disapproval are aversive.

I, Ora, once shared with students my own visceral reaction to a rather innocuous email from a colleague. It was a team email pertaining to a research project we were collaborating on. He wrote “I disagree with Ora” in response to a suggestion I had made via email. I immediately felt an accelerated heart beat as I read it. Even though I would’ve phrased it differently, there was nothing disrespectful nor mean-spirited about my colleague’s email. Neither do I ascribe him any ill intentions. But my visceral reaction is a reminder of the sensitivity some (many?) of us have to critical comments. 

This has implications for how to raise sensitive issues and phrase feedback, and also how to receive and respond to it. It is particularly significant when it involves people you interact with on an on-going basis. The damage caused by sharp criticism and sweeping comments about the other person’s flaws is difficult to undo. Treading gently and framing your concern as specific and solvable increases the likelihood that you will have a receptive partner. Your timing, choice of words, tone of voice, and body language can either put someone on the defensive, or help them feel safe and respected. If you find a good time, calmly describe a specific behavior, explain why it bothers you, and negotiate a joint solution, you’re much more likely to resolve the issue and protect or even strengthen the relationship.

When you are providing feedback or raising a sensitive issue:

·         Check if this is a good time for the other person. If it’s not, find a time that will work for both of you and a private space where you will not be interrupted.

·         Express your wish to resolve the situation in a manner that promotes the relationship and meets everyone’s needs.

·         Briefly and calmly describe the behavior that concerned you. Stick with facts and avoid interpretations and generalizations. Stay in the present and refrain from rehashing the past. 

·         Make “I comments” to describe how you feel and how you are affected by what took place. Explain your understanding of the person’s behavior, while avoiding accusations and inferences about motives.

·         Ask how the other perceives the situation and inquire if there is anything you can do differently. This gives the message that you don’t think you are perfect. Be prepared to listen without becoming defensive. Remember to act from values.

·         Say what would work better for you and check if this would work for your communication partner. Encourage other ideas and possible solutions.

·         Express appreciation for the other’s willingness to listen and work jointly on a good outcome.

Many of us say that we want others to tell us if we do something that is hurtful or bothersome. We understand that others may see things that we are currently unaware of and would benefit from knowing. At the same time, it’s hard not to feel defensive when one is on the receiving end of critical feedback.

The fact that you feel defensive and have the urge to push back doesn’t mean that you need to act on it. In fact, feeling compelled to speak is probably a good indication to keep quiet and listen. Learning how someone was impacted by something you said or did, can be highly beneficial.

Often times, conflict results from misunderstandings and misinterpretations. It is highly plausible that your behavior was interpreted very differently from what you intended to convey. Knowing this presents you with an opportunity to explain and clarify. If you discover that your behavior was hurtful or damaging to another person, you have an opportunity to own up, apologize, and do better.

When you are on the receiving end of critical feedback:

·         Let the other person speak without interrupting. Listen rather than plan your response.

·         Adopt a curious attitude. Ask for details in order to learn and enhance your understanding rather than as a means of challenging the speaker.

·         Agree with facts that are accurate.

·         Acknowledge that the other person may see things differently than you and is not obligated to see it your way.

·         If you realize that you were wrong, apologize and work to change it.

If you sincerely believe in treating people with dignity and respect, you should strive to abide by it irrespective of what others do. Communicating with integrity and making genuine efforts to resolve differences in a relationship-enhancing manner does not guarantee that others will respond in kind. It’s important to remember that we can’t control other people’s behavior but we can focus our efforts on controlling our own. A resolve to be unconditionally constructive can guide your actions in various contexts and interactions.

Ora and Isaac are the authors of How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Press here to order.