I don’t fit the mold. Do I still matter?
Nov 28 Written By Isaac Prilleltensky
Even if we don’t fit the mold prescribed by society, our impulse is to say “of course I still matter.” Most of us would argue that we are autonomous human beings, indifferent to social norms that dictate to us how to behave and what to believe. Some might even take offense, and go as far as to claim that they “don’t care” what others think about their choices in life. Yet, in working with individuals and groups, I notice that many people internalize social prescriptions, regardless of how oppressive they might be. Deep down, they want to fit the mold. After all, this is what parents, teachers, and the media idealize. You have to attend an elite school, you have to become wealthy, you must join the varsity team, you must have a prestigious job, you must achieve social status, and you must date the right person, from the right family. If you manage to achieve most of these prizes, you will likely believe that you deserve them because of your own merit and hard work; never mind the privilege and connections that got you there. If you fail to achieve these goodies, you are likely to blame yourself.
Two fascinating new books detail these side effects of meritocracy. The first is by Michael Sandel (2020): The tyranny of merit: What’s become of the common good? The second is by Daniel Markovits (2019): The meritocracy trap: How America’s foundational myth feeds inequality, dismantles the middle class, and devours the elite.
Both authors suggest that we rarely stop to critique the oppressive mold in the first place. We seldom question the moral validity of social customs. We just take them for granted, regardless of the damage they might cause to us or others.
When oppressive norms are internalized, and we realize that we fall short, we question our worthiness. Since there is only one “correct” way to matter, which in our society means to climb the ladder of status and success, those who don’t fit the mold feel like a failure.
This is where the psychology of happiness meets the philosophy of the good life. Everything around us tells us that to be happy I must conform to the norms I learned at home, in school, at work, and on social media. But what if these norms are pernicious? What if these norms exclude most of us? Then we have a choice. We can buy into them or we can question them. If we buy into them there are two likely scenarios. If I succeed I enjoy conventional recognition. If I fail I don’t matter. Furthermore, if I succeed, I might perpetuate the meritocratic myth that I deserve all these goodies because I worked hard. This myth is not inconsequential, for those who fall short have no choice but to blame themselves. If the dominant discourse is that opportunities are open to all those who work hard, then inability to reach the pinnacle of success is all my fault. There are, however, two big problems in the cultural logic of meritocracy. First, opportunities are not open to all in equal measure. Second, the definition of success is tied to an impoverished commercial view of life, according to which the good life consists of acquiring more and more goods, status, and prestige. In this Trumpian conception of life, there are only winners and losers.
But what if you question the social norms? What if you refuse to abide by a vision of the good life that consists of winning at all cost? Then you have to come up with alternative conceptions of the good life. This is where values come in. What values do you believe in? How do you define the good and worthy life? What is an ethical existence? The fact that philosophers have pondered these questions for millennia does not absolve you from defining for yourself what to believe in. Following Paulo Freire, the famous Brazilian educator, renouncing oppressive social norms is an act of denunciation. You condemn the injustice inherent in social and cultural systems of oppression. After all, they make you feel like you don’t matter. But then you have to engage in annunciation, which Freire defined as the act of constructing a set of values and principles that will serve you, and the community around you, better than the dominant narrative.
I have argued in my writings that we must balance three sets of values; those that promote personal well-being (freedom, autonomy, self-determination), relational well-being (compassion, diversity, inclusion, empathy), and collective well-being (justice, fairness, equality, equity). Human beings have a need to experience well-being in these three domains. Societies that neglect any one of them fail to promote the happiness of their citizens. If you want to matter, personally and civically, you can start by deconstructing the ill effects of dominant norms of happiness and constructing better ones built on freedom, solidarity, and justice. There cannot be wellness without fairness, and there cannot be worthiness without relatedness.
Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic, author, coach and researcher. His latest book, co-authored with his wife, Dr. Ora Prilleltensky, is How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Press here to pre-order.