The pain of exclusion

Our friend Ronald (not his real name) was passed over for a big promotion. Little did he know that his indignation goes back thousands of years; a time when social rejection posed a serious threat to survival. In tribal communities, exclusion meant an existential risk. Alone, you couldn’t feed yourself or defend yourself against mastodons. The pain of exclusion was not just a psychological threat, but a physical one as well. Evolutionary theories link our fear of exclusion to primitive dangers.

            While getting the promotion would have enhanced Ronald’s self-concept, its denial by no means threatened his existence. Still, the social pain is just as real as physical pain. Psychological and brain studies show that feelings of rejection activate the same neural system as physical pain. In evolutionary terms, both social and physical pain are alerts of impending threats; a call to action.

            We no longer face extinction by the menace of prehistoric beasts, but the fear of exclusion still reverberates in our psyche nonetheless. Our ultra-social nature impels us to live in groups, and the slightest threat to our sense of belonging can unleash chains of psychological, and even physical damage, in ourselves and others.

            We can learn a lot about exclusion from baboons, who live in very hierarchical societies. Low status baboons exhibit signs of arterial clogging and other physiological damage, the result of excessive secretion of stress hormones. This is the body’s response to threat. Low status baboons face the wrath of big baboons that dominate a clan.

            While most of us living in modern cities do not fear baboons, our egos often sustain considerable wounds. Ronald had a great job and enjoyed the respect of his colleagues, but he could not bear the thought of being ignored for a position for which he was eminently qualified. He perceived the discourteous behavior of management as an insult to his knowledge and expertise in the field. He had shown that he can do the job, and had been tested many times. In his mind, he deserved at least an interview. He felt ignored and justifiably upset. Some research shows that we are not just prone to assess our worth in terms of inclusion and exclusion, but also in terms of winners and losers. For Ronald, the whole experience reinforced his perception that he was both an outsider and a loser within his own organization.

 Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic and author. He is also a coach, consultant and a researcher. His latest book, co-authored with his wife, Dr. Ora Prilleltensky, is How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Press here to order.