https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw5i3UeiUhc

Listen to the interview ….

https://www.oneideaaway.com/ep152-professor-author-and-human-development-expert-dr-isaac-prilleltensky-your-dimensions-of-well-being/

Pity undermines the sense of mattering because it makes us feel devalued, and it implies that we cannot add value.

After I lost my parents in a car accident when I was eight years old, I became the subject of pity. People meant no harm, but the sensation of being less than other people on account of a tragedy did not sit well with me. Adults were especially bad at this. In Spanish, I was often called “pobrecito,” which more or less translates into “poor soul.” Kids my age, in contrast, were much more attuned to my feelings, and they never made me feel inferior or marked for life.

We seem to be wired for fairness. As human beings we are hypersensitive to fairness transgressions. So much so that lack of fairness and rejection register in the brain as physical pain. But the opposite is also true. As social neuropsychologist Matthew Lieberman notes, fairness feels like chocolate in the brain.

We seek fairness and pursue dignity. We know right away when someone makes us feel valued and when someone is dismissive. We have highly developed radars for dignity.

We should aim to balance feeling valued with adding value. The two must be present to experience mattering. A life of complete sacrifice without any appreciation is unsustainable and frustrating for most of us. Our ultra-social nature requires connection and a degree of affirmation. By the same token, a life of complete self-absorption is isolating at best, and harmful at worst.

You just have to witness the narcissism epidemic to realize that feeling valued, without adding value to others, is a dangerous path for individuals and societies. This is why there cannot be individual or collective mattering without balancing the need to feel valued with the moral imperative to add value, and not just to the self, but to others. This is why mattering cannot be devoid of values.

The need to belong is a fundamental pillar of mattering. In a landmark paper, psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary called the need to belong and the desire for interpersonal attachments a “fundamental human motivation.”

Everyday interactions at home, school, work, and the community involve mattering. We fear shame, rejection, and ostracism; and we crave recognition. We are not even aware of how much our behavior is dictated by the fear of exclusion and the need for inclusion.