Happy to share a video of my talk on mattering as part of the Cane Talks at the University of Miami. Hope you find it useful.

https://canetalks.miami.edu/cane-talkers/isaac-prilleltensky/index.html

Mattering can be overdone. We can obsess about our own importance and need to feel valued. So much so that some people behave pathologically. By pathological we mean dysfunctional; hurting self or others, consciously or unconsciously. One such pathology is behaving in ways that draw attention to yourself at the expense of others. Due to insecurity, frustration, previous neglect, cultural trends, entitlement, or just plain hubris, some people exhibit unrelenting self-importance, pomposity, and egotism. It is all about them. They are the embodiment of the “me first” culture. These qualities are distortions of mattering. This is a case of too much of a good thing. Feeling valued, by self and others, is good only in good measure, but for some people, the only way to matter is to be number one, always and everywhere. They thrive on adulation and cannot tolerate criticism.

Like a secure attachment and a sense of belonging, the need for dignity is an essential part of feeling valued.

Experimental and field evidence shows that efforts to regain dignity come in two flavors: healthy and unhealthy. Some individuals build on personal assets and social resources to become resilient. Others, in turn, become more impulsive, sacrifice long term goals for immediate gratification, seek refuge in gangs and even resort to violence. They are trying to achieve dignity, but in destructive ways. In the words of a former gang member: “When I was 18, I thought it was cool to be a gang banger. Everyone gave you respect, girls were always around and money was easy.”

"Dignity: The Quality or State of Being Worthy, Honored, or Esteemed." Merriam Webster Dictionary

When Oprah received in 2003 the first Bob Hope Humanitarian Award at the Emmys, she told the following story about her father:

“I grew up in Nashville with a father who owned a barber shop. I can’t get him to retire. Every holiday all the transients were always bumming haircuts from my father and asking for money from my dad. All those guys always ended up at our dinner table. I would often say to my father afterwards, “Dad, why can’t we just have regular people at our Christmas dinner?” My father said to me, “They are regular people. They want the same thing you want.” And I would say, “What?” And he said, “To be fed.” At the time I thought he was just talking about dinner, but I have since learned how profound he really was because we are all regular people seeing the same thing. We all just want to know that we matter.”

It is not surprising that mattering to one’s family would protect us from risks and threats. In one of the most comprehensive studies on mattering, a social psychologist at Brown University, Gregory Elliot, examined the relationship between mattering to one’s family in adolescence and two types of problems: anti-social and self-destructive behaviors. The study, which included over 2000 teenagers, confirmed the fundamental importance of mattering, and the risks associated with its absence.

Lack of Mattering Can Result in Depression or Aggression

When mattering works well, people experience autonomy, growth, physical and emotional well-being. Moreover, communities thrive through cooperation. But when mattering is blocked, we end up with all kinds of problems. For example, depression affects 322 million people around the world. Globally, 85 per cent of workers are either not engaged or actively disengaged at work. Extreme ideologies are on the rise around the globe, presenting a serious threat to liberal democracies.