Celebrate Others, Actively, Constructively
By Ora and Isaac Prilleltensky
We reach out to close others when we are in need of support, but we also want to share our good news and happy moments. Undoubtedly, you’ve experienced this yourself upon receiving good news that made you want to jump for joy. Perhaps it was that long-awaited acceptance letter to your first choice graduate school. Or it was that promotion you were hoping for; or news that you are pregnant; or that your beloved has agreed to marry you.
There is probably nothing you wanted more at such times than to share your good news with someone close. How did that person respond? Did he or she match your excitement and want to hear all the details? And how did you react when someone shared their happy news with you?
How we respond to others’ high moments are in some respects even more important than our reaction in their moments of need. Imagine telling a friend that you have accepted a position in another city that presents you with exciting opportunities. Shelly Gable has identified four different ways of responding to such news. If your friend says “We probably won’t keep in touch once you move - it’s too difficult to sustain a friendship from afar”, this is an example of an active and destructive response. It probably means that losing touch won’t be such a loss. How about if your friend simply ignores what you said and diverts attention to another issue? You share your news and get “I have to shop for new clothes for my sister’s wedding”. This type of a response is passive and destructive. Slightly better (but still deflating) is a response that is passive and constructive. Your big exciting news is met with a “that’s nice, congratulations” response that fails to match your enthusiasm or celebrate your accomplishment.
The best response is one that is both active and constructive. “OMG! How exciting! Go back and tell me from the beginning. How did you find out? I want to hear the details about what this new job entails. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you were their chosen candidate. I’ll miss having you so close, but I’m so happy for you!” Your friend’s enthusiasm matches or even exceeds your own. His tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language are all consistent with his complementary and celebratory words. This type of communication nourishes the spirit and strengthens bonds.
Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic and author. He is also a coach, consultant and a researcher. His latest book, co-authored with his wife, Dr. Ora Prilleltensky, is How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Press here to pre-order.