With the best of intentions….
The death of my parents in a car accident when I was eight-years old had become, in people’s eyes, a deficit in my life. Instead of focusing on my strengths, many acquaintances, teachers, and relatives used to focus on my “tragedy.” Pity was not exactly what I needed, but nobody had the psychological insight to make me feel valued and help me add value. After all, I was doing pretty well, except for holding in a flood of tears that were never allowed to come out. Needless, prolonged suffering, might have been averted had my caregivers known how to deal with loss and grief. I felt diminished by the aura of tragedy and pity that surrounded my encounters with adults in particular. My closest friends, I’m happy to say, were a tremendous source of support. These eight-year-old knew intuitively what many adults didn’t: to give me time, space, and an opportunity to use my strengths — in soccer, in friendships, in coping. They knew when to talk about “it” and when to normalize things. They let me be, in sadness, in confusion. With adults, instead, I was not allowed to be. I still remember the contrived gestures by some distant relatives who would take me out on Sunday or to the movies because I was an orphan.
The box of pity is incredibly constraining, for an eight-year-old who lost his parents, or for a mature woman with a physical disability, who is sometimes introduced as “the victim of muscular dystrophy,” as in my wife’s case. Life challenges are not your calling card: “Hi, I’m Isaac, I lost my parents when I was eight.” There is more to orphans and people with disabilities than their “tragedies.” There is more to psychiatric patients than their “condition.” A focus on strengths is imperative for anyone who is seeking help or struggling with a challenge.
Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic and author. He is also a coach, consultant and a researcher. His latest book, co-authored with his wife, Dr. Ora Prilleltensky, is How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Press here to pre-order.