Show the Love

By Ora and Isaac Prilleltensky

A wife complains to her husband that it has been ages since he last told her that he loves her. Looking puzzled, he responds: “I told you that I love you when I married you 20 years ago. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”  This joke makes an important point and applies not only to marriages or close relationships. There is a universal longing to “feel the love” -- most critically by intimates and close family and friends, but also by fellow students, work colleagues, and superiors. Lack of recognition by a superior is one of the key reasons for employee disengagement.

Across the United States, two thirds of the workforce report feeling disengaged, resulting in many negative outcomes for themselves and the workplace. Disengaged workers experience higher stress and lower physical and mental health. In addition to the human cost to workers and families, workplaces pay the price of higher absenteeism, greater turnover, and lower productivity.

Individuals are most likely to thrive and do their best when they feel liked, appreciated, and valued. Feeling valued is a central component of mattering. But for others to feel valued, they have to also feel that they add value, which is the second pillar of mattering. Receiving public, specific, and detailed recognition nourishes the soul. Feeding our need for recognition stimulates our desire to keep adding value to ourselves and others. It is a virtuous cycle.

There are multiple ways to add value to others. Expressing gratitude for a job well done, or for help with a project, can go a long way in nurturing a sense of mattering. The appreciation and recognition we show others is nothing less than spiritual nutrition. Recognition is a wonderful psychological nutrient, and the more specific, expressive, and detailed it is, the more potent this tonic becomes.

It is not enough to praise someone with a “job well done Tom.” We have to articulate what is it that Tom did, how he did it, and what impact it made. It is more like Thank you Tom for taking the lead on the proposal for the Acme account. You designed the project, wrote most parts of it, consulted with others, incorporated their feedback, and revised the document. I believe the proposal is very strong because of what you did. I feel confident that thanks to your efforts we have a very good chance of getting the business. You worked on this for several weeks and I know you even spent a couple of weekends going over the background materials. You were diligent and conscientious. I’m very thankful for what you did.

Positive communication does not only build the recipient of praise, but it also strengthens the relationship. The more we deposit positive emotions into our join relationship bank account, the more resilient the relationship becomes, and the easier it is to endure moments of tension and conflict. If we build trust through recognition and appreciation, both parties will feel more secure when honest and even critical feedback is required. Unfortunately, many relationships are built exclusively on critical feedback. This type of connection breeds fear and alienation. Gratitude builds bridges whereas unfettered criticism erodes trust.

Relationships built on mutual appreciation can endure conflict and difficult moments because there is a secure base. There is a reservoir of positive communications that reverberates inside our heads and hearts. The positive memories tell us that “Emily has been very appreciate of my work in the past. If she has some critical feedback I know it’s coming from a good place.” To reach this stage of non-defensive communication, we must toil to build a positive ratio of positive to negative interactions. Our ability to sustain criticism is proportionate to the positive communicative deposits into our relational bank account.

To grow the positive communication bank account, we must also grow our lexicon of gratitude and recognition. We must refine our ability to show gratitude. Some methods include:

·         Noticing other people’s strengths and commenting on them

·         Amplifying recognition by doing it publicly

·         Asking open ended questions about accomplishments

·         Inquiring about how people did what they did

·         Catching people being good

·         Writing thank you notes

·         Offering people an opportunity to talk about their work and achievements

·         Asking people to mentor others

·         Giving people an opportunity to document what they did well

It is a mistake to think that only children need praise and recognition. All of us need to feel valued. It is hard to add value when we are not feeling valued. In some respects, recognition is a miracle cure: it is free, it does wonders for recipient and provider alike, and it is renewable.

Lest people think that we might coddle adults by showing them excessive love, we hasten to point out that we should also expect great things from people. Praise and recognition must be earned. Otherwise, they feel inauthentic and feed a sense of entitlement. We must help people make contributions that would earn them recognition. Just like we help our children succeed, we must help our peers, friends, and spouses experience mastery, control, and self-efficacy. Affording them opportunities to refine their mastery over certain tasks is a wonderful gift. But once they master the task, we should not forget to recognize them for it.

The best response is one that is both active and constructive. “OMG! How exciting! Go back and tell me from the beginning. How did you find out? I want to hear the details about what this new job entails. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you were their chosen candidate. I’ll miss having you so close, but I’m so happy for you!” Your friend’s enthusiasm matches or even exceeds your own. His tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language are all consistent with his complementary and celebratory words. This type of communication nourishes the spirit and strengthens bonds.

Dr. Isaac Prilleltensky is an award-winning academic and author. He is also a coach, consultant and a researcher. His latest book, co-authored with his wife, Dr. Ora Prilleltensky, is How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society (Cambridge University Press, 2021). Press here to pre-order.