Webs of Wellness
By Ora Prilleltensky
Sister Margaret was a seventy-two-year-old nun who was suffering from persisting back pain. She was accepted at an outpatient pain management program where I, Ora, was providing psychological consultation. Due to my hectic schedule I was unable to see Margaret until she was well into her physiotherapy and occupational therapy program. In fact, I was told that she had made significant physical gains and would be discharged from the program in the coming weeks. It was unlikely that I would need to see her beyond the initial screening.
As it turned out, Margaret and I met for some eight counseling sessions. I took an immediate liking to her and appreciated her openness and willingness to share her life story. Margaret, who had never been to a psychologist before, confirmed that her physical pain had significantly subsided. Nonetheless, she had some issues in her life that were weighing her down and causing significant distress. She welcomed the opportunity to explore them.
Over the next eight weeks, I was privileged to hear about Margaret’s life as part of a Catholic mission. She was sharing a small house owned by the parish with four other nuns. They were all assigned to live there by a central committee in charge of housing. According to the custom in that congregation, the cooking, cleaning, and other household tasks were shared amongst the housemates. Meals were eaten together and weekly meetings were held to discuss the budget, plan the week ahead, and make joint decisions. Most of the day was dedicated to different aspects of community work and social action.
Margaret committed her life to serving God and the community. Working as a public health nurse until her retirement, she was highly committed to serving underprivileged members of the community. In addition to her nursing job, she would volunteer her time for various social justice initiatives. Margaret certainly gave to her community.
Yet, Margaret was unhappy and frustrated when she came to see me. She told me about the deaths of her brother and a close friend in the past year. She told me about how she now spends most of her time in the house as she is no longer working and is unsure as to what contribution she can make. Most importantly, Margaret told me about the distress associated with her current living arrangement.
Of the four women she was house sharing with, Margaret was close to one, on agreeable terms with two others, and at great odds with the fourth. The more she talked about this conflictive relationship and the distress that it was causing, the more apparent it became that these issues were never properly addressed. These women, who were assigned to live together by an organizational committee, had no tools to address their differences and resolve conflict.
Ironically, the high value attributed to harmony and the greater good stood in the way of personal and organizational well-being. Margaret told me that in the weekly meetings, nothing of substance was discussed, no feelings were shared, and feedback was never offered. In fact, Margaret reasoned that the congregation had totally neglected members’ need for control over their lives, for emotional connectedness, and for personal validation.
Throughout our work together, Margaret and I searched for ways to enhance psychological wellness at the personal, organizational and community levels. She decided that it was time to make some changes in the overall philosophy of the congregation with greater emphasis on personal empowerment, agency and control. We planned how she could approach those at the top of the organizational hierarchy with her suggestions. On the interpersonal front, Margaret was determined to instigate some in-house changes.
Things had gotten so bad that she was uncomfortable making references to her back problems and was doing chores that were clearly counter-indicated with her condition. We discussed the irony of living with people who are committed to equality and justice on the outside and who are oblivious to the needs of those in the inside.
Margaret took great interest in some of the resources I lent her on interpersonal communication and problem solving. We discussed the possibility that part of each weekly house meeting would be dedicated to sharing feelings and giving constructive feedback. Margaret thought that this might work, especially if strengths were acknowledged and positive feedback was also provided.
What about community well-being? Margaret had been finding some of her house chores exhausting and often had back pain as a result. We reasoned that a redistribution of tasks was called for. Some of the younger housemates would take on the more physically demanding chores, affording Margaret more time and energy to pursue community work.
We began to discuss Margaret’s re-involvement in the community work that she so valued and missed. I have to say that I was of relatively little help to her in this domain. Margaret could teach me and I suspect many others about ways to contribute to one’s community.
Sister Margaret’s story says a great deal about why we wrote our upcoming new book How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society. In the book we deal with mattering and wellness at multiple levels of analysis, from the personal to the interpersonal, organizational, and societal. Her story shows the interdependence of these facets of life. We have to see people in context. No matter how strong our tendency for blaming people for their misfortune, we should see what are the personal, interpersonal, organizational, and social components of their problems.
Ora and Isaac Prilleltensky are co-authors of the forthcoming book “How People Matter: Why it Affects Health, Happiness, Love, Work, and Society” to be published by Cambridge University Press. For more information, please go to www.professorisaac.com or contact us at ora@miami.edu