During the pandemic many people experience a series of negative emotions. It is important to realize that we should not just contain negative emotions, but also cultivate positive ones.

Emotions play an important role in meaning and mattering because they can promote either a positive or negative loop. The presence of positive emotions can make you feel valued by yourself and others. This, in turn, will generate more positive feelings. The presence of negative emotions, on the other hand, can make you feel unworthy and prevent you from adding value, either to yourself or others. The less you add value to self or others, the fewer the opportunities to feel like you matter, and the higher the likelihood of experiencing yet more negative emotions. A few examples can illustrate these loops.

Good habits are repeated actions that bring about predictable positive results. The best way to achieve a sense of control and a sense of mattering is to make helpful habits. Many of us have started something new during the pandemic, like spending more quality time with our kids, but few of us continue. Mark Twain said that quitting smoking was the easiest thing. He did it a thousand times. Like him, many start quitting, but few stick with it. Many start exercising, few keep it up. Many start volunteering, not many return. The trick is to turn a positive behavior into a habit, not into a false start. How can you turn a phone call to your mother into a routine? How can you say a good word to your employees on a regular basis, and not just during festive occasions? There are two principles that have proven useful in maintaining positive habits.

Now more than ever, people are looking for ways to boost their resilience. My friend, the distinguished psychologist Don Meichenbaum, has made available, for free, action plans based on his book Roadmap to Resilience. There are many useful tips in the website. I highly recommend it. Don asked me to pass this along. If you find it useful, pass it along to others.

We knew it. The moment Panchita would swing the axe to split wood, our students would burst into an uproarious laughter. The video never failed to make them laugh. Although there is seemingly nothing unusual about women chopping wood, especially if they live in a rural area with a wood stove and no central heating, there is something quite special and surprising about a 100 year-old doing so. This is what our students found both humorous and endearing.

Viktor Frankl acted according to his principles. Despite imminent danger, he chose to stay in Vienna to look after his parents. Although he could have fled to the United States, he made a decision to remain in Austria. A few months after he let his visa to the US lapse, he was sent to Auschwitz in 1942.

Fifty years later, in the preface to the 1992 edition of his famous book Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl recounts the dilemma he faced. Had he immigrated to America, he could have continued to develop his thriving career. But doing so would have meant abandoning his mother and father. The Jewish psychiatrist chose responsibility over opportunity. He paid dearly for his choice: several years in concentration camps. He embodied a “We Culture.” In the concentration camp he felt it was his responsibility to look after other prisoners. He derived meaning by focusing not only on his own survival, but in helping others.

The dominant discourse in society is that if you want to matter, you have a lot of internal work to do. The message is that mattering will come from the inside-out, and not from the outside-in. In actual fact, mattering depends on both avenues: inside-out and outside-in; psychological and social changes.

Both routes are reciprocal. Unfortunately, many wellness experts claim that the main, and maybe even only way to achieve happiness, meaning, and mattering, is through intrapsychic work such as the practice of gratitude and mindful meditation.

Do you feel like you matter? Do you help others to feel like they matter? Do your habits support mattering? To feel valued by, and add value to self and others, we must engage in certain behaviors. Thinking about mattering is not enough. People come to love us and to trust us through our actions, not our thoughts. We feel capable and agentic through specific behaviors. Positive routines can fight helplessness and foster belonging, meaning, and self-determination. The question is how? Part of the answer is through setting appropriate goals.